Paul thoughts

I watched the rain pitter-patter on my window pane as I laid in my bed on an awfully cold Saturday morning. Her scent was subtle yet intoxicating as I breathed it in from the pillow I held in my arms. I listened to my wife laugh as she tickled our son, Ellie, to tears and smiled to myself softly. However, despite the warmth of my family, her laughter surrounded by his and the loving embraces that I would soon receive, I found myself experiencing the feeling of stark emptiness that persisted like nausea. Ignorable, yet an obstinate annoyance that came and went (But never for good) while continuing to eat away at me.


Adrian was now jealous of the attention Ellie was getting as he grumpily stormed away in order to steal his mother away from his twin brother. I chuckle lightly at this too and considered going to join them, but then there was the possibility of my depressing ambiance reaching them contagiously. I sighed gently, pondering if I would forever hold this cloud over their head, because despite their laughter and her encouraging smiles, we all knew that someday, probably sooner than later, I would no longer be around. My bride would be without her groom, a kiss before bedtime, and a smile and good morning upon waking. I imagined the times I had woken without her, this being one of them. All of these times I spent… well, like this. Wondering how much I darkened their lives, and how they could really love me, and when it would be time to die.


I had mused over death before. Countless times, especially since I had taken the lives of millions. I had burned entire cities to the ground. Places which had once stood tall and been the center of life and success, all gone. But never had I thought of death like this. I had never feared it; I had simply accepted it as a fate that was heading my way with the speed of a bullet train. I had thought I understood it. I thought I knew what I was doing when I was erasing people's feelings and memories from the face of the planet. I had eradicated everything that they had ever dreamed of, everything they could have been, and everything they were to their loved ones and other people. I thought people were better off dead. Selfish, greedy, jealous, disgusting beings. But now I had seen a different side to that selfishness. To that greed. To those so called disgusting beings that I had labeled my entire life. To those so called disgusting beings who had labeled me my entire life. She had never labeled me as I had initially labeled her. And even so, soon after that she proved me wrong. She allowed me into the other side. The side that gave me something to lose. The side that gave me a place in this universe and in someone's arms. The side that opened a door of fear and dread.


What if she should forget me when I'm gone? What if my existence soon turned into an endless nothingness? What if I were replaced with someone who could make her just as happy? Make her feel just as warm and cared for as I, while leaving out the harshness of the curse that I was so sure darkened her mind? Wouldn't she be happier? Without me? And suddenly, my place if this universe and in someone's arms didn't exist anymore. Abruptly, I became a lead weight of sorrow and dread on her. Unexpectedly, I was just back where I had started, except this time I had everything to lose.